The Truth Behind Twinkies

Greetings, 

I am here to tell you that you have been living a lie. A Twinkie lie. 

Some of you may have seen Hostess’s recent tweet about why Twinkies turned a shade of Barney. And all I have to say is, I’m about to blow your mind. 

You see, I’m an Extraterrestrial Civilizations scholar. And for some time now, I’ve been heading a research division from the walls of my basement. It wasn’t until the “Purple Crisis,” as newspapers are calling it, that everything finally clicked.

Here I present to you, my theory: 

[Read at your own risk. Side-effects may include: deeper knowledge and understanding of the world.]

——————————————————————————————————————————–

The government has been delivering Twinkies to aliens since 2011. 

The government, NASA, and Hostess (the Twinkie Trinity) have been in contact with aliens since around 2011. I know this because that’s when the first NASA Mars rover mission took place. Or should I say… the first disguised NASA Mars rover mission. 

551041main_pia14156-full_full

Pictured above: NASA’s “Curiosity rover.” It launched on November 26, 2011, and
landed on August 5, 2012. 

It’s quite devastating to hear, but all of NASA’s Mars missions have been a big, fat, giant cover-up. There’s Curiosity back in 2011, MAVEN in 2013, InSight in 2018, and the soon-to-be-launched Mars 2020 Mission. 

Instead of “exploring” the surface of Mars, these missions have been delivery operations. 

And what exactly is it that they deliver? 

(Drumrolls please…)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BloombergTwinkies16

Twinkies. 

Q: Why are we giving aliens Twinkies in the first place?

Remember December 21st, 2012? The end of the world? When you begged your parents to skip school but they still made you go?

We basically survived this day because we appeased aliens with Twinkies.

And yes, I have evidence to prove it.

  • On November 26, 2011, NASA launches Curiosity rover headed to Mars.
  • A month later, Twinkies sales go down by 20%. 
  • Curiosity lands on August 5, 2012. 
  • On December 21st, 2012, we don’t die. 

Allow me to connect the dots for you. 

The “Curiosity rover mission” was in fact, a “Save the World type-of-mission.” This shipment of Twinkies delivered to the aliens in 2012 essentially appeased them. Thus, the aliens decided not to kill us all on December 21st, 2012. Hooray! 

 

Twinkies are declared bankrupt on November 21st, 2012. 

The Apocalypse is averted on December 21st, 2012. 

 

On the other hand, Twinkies sales went down by 20% on December 25, 2011. Meaning that it lost much of its Twinkie inventory after the Curiosity rover mission. You win some, you lose some.          

Q: Why were Twinkies taken off the shelves?

The government must have forced Twinkies off the shelves, as these golden sponge cakes were now involved in a high-level security mission. A.k.a, they were saving the entire world. 

Q: How did Twinkies come back?

Twinkies came back because the Twinkie Trinity must have figured out a way to make aliens self-sufficient. The MAVEN mission explains this perfectly. 

maven-mars-nasa-2014-02

Pictured above: NASA’s “MAVEN spacecraft.” It launched on November 18, 2013. 

The MAVEN Orbiter would have been sent to build a factory on Mars. By making the aliens self-sufficient, it meant that we could keep our Twinkies on Earth. Because what is America without Twinkies? 

Q: Is this the end of the story?

You would think that’d be the end. But NASA just kept on scheduling more and more Mars missions. In 2018, InSight was launched and in 2020, another Mars mission is scheduled to launch. 

This means one of two things:

  1. The factory broke down. We send more missions up in space to fix it. 
  2. The aliens are realizing just how addicting Twinkies truly are and they have upped their demand. 
Q: Why were the Twinkies purple? That's all I wanted to know.

Fair enough. I have found that aliens’ taste buds are better accustomed to purple hues. That is, they like eggplant, blueberries, grapes, and purple Twinkies. 

Q: Why did we get them? Aren't they meant for aliens?

Yes, they are. I believe the Twinkie Trinity must have been taste-testing these Twinkies and accidentally packaged the ones that were meant for taste-testing purposes. I don’t blame them for trying. After all, our lives are literally hinging on the taste of Twinkies.

Who would have thought that a yellow sponge cake would be saving the world?

 

 

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